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 Yao High (my book im writing)

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Posts : 37
Join date : 2009-11-03
Age : 21
Location : in your house with a gun

PostSubject: Yao High (my book im writing)   Thu Jan 21, 2010 9:33 pm

Jake is walking in to his new high school. “Another school another year,” He said to him self. He slowly walks in the school.


Jake is standing next to a river with 2 people with him. One a boy the other a girl. Both looking around 17. Jake was skipping stones when the boy asked so “which school?”
“Yao high Hermes and dad has already gotten his forces there” Says Jake
“Also other thing why do you go to school?” says the girl
Jake says “recruiting Melody.” Jake stands up. “I got go.”
“Bye bro.” says Hermes. Melody kisses Jake and he walks away


As Jake walks in a girl bumps in to him. “Oh sorry. Oh hi Jake” Says the girl. Jake got annoy because it was his classmate he had known since 2nd grade and gone to every school he has gone to.
“Hi Claire” Says Jake
Then Lucas, Claire’s older brother, sees them. She is talking to Jake again he thinks. He takes out his cell phone. “Hey Claire mom is on the phone” he said.
“Mom really” Said Claire.
“Yah its mom” Said Lucas.
Claire grabs the phone and Jake quickly walks away. “Wait this phone isn’t even on” said Claire
“Claire don’t hang out with Jake” says Lucas.
“You can’t tell me what to do.”
“Come on I know I have liked him since you me-“
“Never say that again you promised!” she yelled
“Yah I bet mom and dad would agree with me.”
“Yah but mom is all about love only dad would disagree.”
“Oh look at the time. Almost time for soccer”
“What your right bye.” She runs off. She goes to her room and grabs her soccer ball and then runs to practice. There she sees a new girl. She walks over to her. “Hi I’m Claire” Claire said.
“medorie name soruce Rose.” Says the girl
“What oh now I get it you’re an foreigner”
“Yes I am slowly learning Japanese.”
“Ok cool where are you from.”
“Wait at my new school my roommate is Claire”
“Uh Yao High.”
“Roommate, we are Roommates”
Jake walks in to his room and opens the door. He sees Lucas. “WHAT! No way I’m bunking with you!” They say at the same time. They run up to the office. “I want to be change rooms!
The office woman says “Sorry but all the rooms are taken up.
“Guess we will have to like each other just don’t touch my sister” says Lucas
“I don’t even like her as a friend” says Jake
“Good then.”
“Yah she is way too ugly.”
“Oh you didn’t just say that about my sister.” They run outside then put out there fists ready to punch the other. Lucas does the first punch, Jake gets a nose bleed.
Jake quickly elbows him in the stomach then kicks him down on the ground. Jake walks away.
Lucas sees Claire and picks himself up dusts himself off. Then he sees Rose.
“Hi Lucas. Rose this is my brother Lucas” says Claire
“Hi Lucas,” she said shyly.
“Hi Rose,” Lucas said.
“So have you met your roommate yet?” asked Claire
“Yah it is Jake,” Says Lucas
“Good now you guys can get to know each other”
“Yeh ok” Lucas says sarcastically. Claire punches Lucas on the head and then she walks off swiftly.
“OWWWWW” says Lucas “Evil Sister” He walks back to his dorm.
************************************Years Ago***********************************
**********************************Before Jake**********************************
Claire and Lucas are running around playing with there dog. Lucas throws a dog toy and it goes over the neighbor’s fence. “Oh too bad,” says Claire “It’s gone now. Oh well”
“Sorry” Says Lucas
“Don’t worry me and Patch forgives you.”
*********************************After Jake**********************************
Lucas throws there dog’s toy over the neighbors fence. “NICE JOB YOUR DEAD BEAT LOSER!” Yells Claire
“You are the worst Brother ever” Claire screams
*****************************Lucas meets Jake*******************************
“This is the guy I told you about, or,” her voice quiets down, “You found out about by hearing me talk on the phone.”
*******************************Minutes later***********************************
Claire is holding back Lucas. “I WANT TO KILL HIM LET ME AT HIM,” Yells Lucas.
Rose runs After Lucas “Hey Lucas stop I want to look at that bump,”
Lucas looks back at Rose “Ok sure,” says Lucas. Rose looks at Lucas’s head. She doesn’t see a thing
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Posts : 350
Join date : 2009-11-26
Age : 23
Location : In Your Dishwasher

PostSubject: Re: Yao High (my book im writing)   Thu Jan 21, 2010 10:19 pm

this reminds me of when was my main forum(dont ask why)
there were stories like this except they involved the game itself from a 1st person view with actual social and emotional communication (unlike the real game... which sucks...)

But Yea, Good Story So Far! Hope You Continue!
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Posts : 868
Join date : 2009-04-30
Age : 21

PostSubject: Re: Yao High (my book im writing)   Fri Jan 29, 2010 5:12 am

Uh... I really don't understand the story...
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Join date : 2009-12-28
Age : 27
Location : England, United Kingdom

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PostSubject: Re: Yao High (my book im writing)   Fri Jan 29, 2010 5:18 am

You may want to consider using more creative language. Read Stephen King for examples...
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PostSubject: Re: Yao High (my book im writing)   Tue Mar 02, 2010 3:12 am

Yeah, to be honest I wasn't very intrigued by the novel so far at all. It just didn't have the "pull" that it needs to hook me in. Sparta's right, you should try and use more creative writing in what you have so far. Good luck.

Check out my youtube... and stuff...

^WIN. Nuff said.

[20:43:16] Azness♥️ : Sarcasm is a puberty thing

Truest words ever said.

Hold fast to dreams
For when dreams go
Life is a barren field
Frozen with snow.
Hold fast to dreams
For if dreams die
Life is a broken-winged bird
That cannot fly.
Langston Hughes
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